Capitaan dildo arrescate!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
