Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize