Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
