I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He passed out mid-signature
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
