have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
