do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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