We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
