Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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