I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize