i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
