I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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