Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i drank out of a bidet.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
