my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
