Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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