how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
