I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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