Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
