Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
