omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
