his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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