I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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