That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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