Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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