You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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