hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
