Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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