Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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