You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
