Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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