Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
