how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
