We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
