R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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