i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
