Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
