Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
