the condom got lost in my hair
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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