An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize