Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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