you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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