Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
