wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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