my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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