The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
