so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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