So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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