Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
