I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
