It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
