I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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