He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
