So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
