Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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