Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
