Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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