alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
