I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
