Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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