I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
