You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
