anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
